A little less than half an hour before the ceremony began, my wife and I arrived at an oversized villa in the Italian countryside two hours outside of Rome. A lush green ivy had overgrown much of the white stucco exterior walls of the villa in an elegant, not creepy haunted mansion sort of way. We stepped out of the Uber, said a quick “Grazie” to the driver, and followed the signs to the exterior patio. We found two white, well-cushioned seats at the end of a row, and patiently waited for the ceremony to begin.
Other than the bride and groom, we didn’t know anybody else at the wedding. In fact, we initially planned on not going to the destination wedding at all considering the social desert we might’ve found ourselves in, to say nothing of the expense just to get there. But, in a last-minute caution-to-the-wind swipe of the Amex, my wife and I figured we could at least make a vacation out of it—see some sites, eat pasta and cannolis, and, worst case scenario, we’d content ourselves with more than a few topped-off glasses of Chianti at the reception.
The ceremony, it turned out, was beautiful—the rolling hillsides offered the perfect backdrop of olive groves, and the smell of freshly cut grass from the well-manicured lawns surrounding the villa filled the air. A handmade arbor adorned with seasonal flowers served as the ceremony’s centerpiece; that is, until the bride walked out of course. Both bride and groom beamed and their vows were made even sweeter with the heartfelt words of their officiant.
As the guests filed into a long hall adjacent to the brick patio, they quickly took their seats. The wine had begun to flow and the din of longtime friends and close family sent an electric buzz throughout the room. Soon, the emcee corralled the last of the stragglers, and two lucky guests were given the honors to speak.
First, the groom’s brother—a ragazzo with an endearing, devilish charm and the kind of unintended humor that didn’t result in raucous laughter, but rather put a heartfelt smile on each guest’s face. His speech was a carefully manicured speech, a smattering of cute vignettes growing up alongside his shy but able brother. He followed that up with a brief recap of how he first met his new sister-in-law, a touching tale of her intelligence and wit, punctuated by a joke about how she could throw back shots like the best of them (that got a particularly loud applause from the cousins in the back).
Photo by Thomas William on Unsplash
The coup de grâce came in the form of a touching toast, bringing it home with a levity and sweetness that nearly brought the room to tears. With that, the hall was ready for the final speaker—the bride’s sister—to pave the way for the festivities to come.
I’d love to stop the story there. I really would. I wish I could tell you that she nailed it. All she really had to do was give some semblance of a heartfelt speech, maybe provide an anecdote or two, tell the bride she looked wonderful, and call it a day. Instead, my wife and I sat awestruck as she spent the next 25...TWO-FIVE...minutes reading from her iPhone the reasons why she never thought she was the bride’s favorite sister, let alone the one who would be asked to speak at her reception.
In an effort to draw a laugh, she told thoroughly embarrassing, even cringeworthy stories of her sister’s “awkward days.” She described her sister’s graduation from a bespectacled, acne-prone loner to the new-and-improved “selfish one in the family—haha.” Throughout this train wreck of a bridesmaid speech my wife and I covered our faces and chugged our wine, but there was little we could do to escape the awkwardness of the moment. So, we both switched to hard liquor.
When she moved on to the groom, the speech—if you can believe it—got worse. Whereas for the bride you got the sense the sister overemphasized her nerdy awkwardness in a darkly comedic sort of way, the bride’s sister laid into her new brother-in-law with all the grace of a dumpster fire. I’ll spare you the details. Ultimately, the bride’s sister culminated her speech with a few tender notes on how she always thought she’d be the first to get married, spelunking the “ironic” depths of her sister’s good fortune.
With grace, poise—but most importantly an unamused half-smile—the bride gave her a much-undeserved hug, and ushered the microphone out of her hands.
THIS. ACTUALLY. HAPPENED.
Like IKEA furniture, putting together a good DIY wedding speech can be easy, fun, and take relatively little time. With a little extra help from a Muse it won't look cheap, overly fabricated, and will even get you lucky… enough not to be hated by all the guests like the poor unfortunate soul I described above.
I’ll let you in on a secret, writing a solid wedding speech is actually pretty simple. My five simple rules for the perfect wedding speech—that have yet to steer me wrong—include:
Develop a theme
Don’t make it about you, make it about the bride and groom
Keep it short and sweet
Not everybody’s a comedian (or a public speaker for that matter), so stick to sweet and you can’t go wrong
End on a high note, a toast perhaps, but always by wishing the best for the new couple
If you’re looking for a little more help writing your wedding speech, or any other wedding-related copy, that’s where Vow Muse comes in. Unlike most people whose wedding experiences number on one, maybe two hands, Vow Muse has created speeches and vows for hundreds of brides, grooms, bridesmaids, groomsmen, parents, siblings, even emcees and officiants on their big day.
As Muses many of us have also had our own wedding experiences, and written our own wedding words. So we’re not only approaching your speech or vows as a writer, we’re approaching it as a husband, wife, partner, sister, brother, and best friend who’s been in your shoes. From our vast wellspring of experience and our love of the written word, we pride ourselves on providing custom-tailored written speeches and vows you can rely on to turn those awkward moments into memorable ones.
So, do us all a favor. Don’t ruin a good wedding—your own or someone else’s—by being the one giving that speech. You don’t want people to talking about your cringe-worthy toast all night long. You want them remembering your touching speech with fondness. If you’re willing to shell out tens of thousands of dollars on the perfect venue, flowers, hair, makeup, tux, or dress, make sure you invest in something just as important: a damn good wedding speech.
Writer Eric is a U.S. Air Force veteran and lover of all things history. He enjoys sushi, superhero movies, and the thrill of a good taco truck. When he’s not writing, he’s gallivanting around the world hoping to discover something profound and new amongst all the clutter.
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Cover photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash
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