marriage

Things I Didn't Expect to Happen After I Got Married

I was really sure that being married would feel the same as not being married. But in reality, I can't believe how different my relationship is. It shouldn't be, logically speaking. We'd dated for five years before tying the knot. We'd lived together for two of them. We'd had our dog for a year. After we got married, we came home to the same apartment and the life we'd already built. It was all very familiar. But it was different. It was better. Here’s a few more things that happened after I got married that I truly didn’t expect.

Safety in Numbers

I feel safer. I can't explain this. Where once I used to worry about earthquakes and fires and escape plans, now I just...don't. It could all still happen. My marriage didn't stop natural disasters. I mean, obviously. Come on. And theoretically, I even have more to lose with each passing day. But it's like that part of my brain just got quieter. I sleep easier. I don't panic much anymore. I really wonder why this is the case, but I’m mostly just stoked that it is.

Endless Possibilities

All my little regrets morphed into possibilities. I didn't study abroad in college, for instance. I used to think “you should have done that!” And now I think, “we’ll go wherever we want for as long as we want.” Like somehow marriage has bestowed upon me riches and limitless time.

Live Long and Prosper

Life feels long. I have a friend who told me that when he proposed, he was crushed under the weight of his own mortality. This was the person he’d die with. Life would end! It freaked me out when he told me, which was like a year and a half before I actually got engaged, because I was already living with a pretty firm grasp of “BUT SOMEDAY I WILL DIE” and applying it far more liberally than is wise to every aspect of my life. (See above about how much I used to worry about natural disasters.) I think my husband has some of this too. For how quickly these first months have gone, it's like everything slowed down at the same time. Our marriage stretches before us. We have so much time together. And I no longer feel like my life’s motto could be summed up in a giant musical montage called “Death Is Just Around the Corner.” Are you seeing a theme to the ways in which I've changed? I literally just saw it.

Though Some Things Will Never Change

I am still the worst blanket-stealer this side of the Mississippi. I am also offended every single time someone brings this up. Some things just don't change, apparently.

Children on the Horizon

I feel fine about having kids. I think I'll be excited about it someday sooner rather than later. I was always on the fence about it, and was always going to come down on the same side as my partner, assuming I wound up with one. I think I'd also genuinely be happy without kids. But ever since meeting my husband, who loves kids and wants them badly, I’ve really started to see myself with them. I'm surprised that I am actually looking forward to having them in a few years.

Freedom!!

I'm freer. There's a lot being said right now about the importance of single women (HIGHLY recommend Rebecca Traister’s All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of the Independent Nation) and I agree that now that women aren't financially dependent on men and don't really NEED them to have a perfectly fulfilling life, the world is a far better place. I think those same principles apply to how marriage has changed for the better. It's no longer the end of adventures. The end of fun. It's also no longer relegated to just a man and a woman. All those things tie into each other, don't they? We’re all freer. Get married. Don't get married. Live your life. But if you do want to get married, it isn't the end of all things. For me, it feels like the beginning. Here we are, together, and we get to decide now where we want to go.

Did things seem unexpectedly different for you after tying the knot too? Let us know in the comments!


Sara Kendall lives in Redwood City with her husband and dog. Her main hobbies are coffee, books, and musicals.

 

How to Choose Your Groomsmen (Without Ruining Any Friendships)

Picking bridesmaids was the easiest part of my wedding planning process. I'm an introvert, and at the time of my wedding, I had exactly three close friends plus a soon-to-be sister-in-law (there really should be a shorter term for that relation). Boom. Done. My husband, on the other hand, will someday write a book called, “Why Aren't There More People At This Party: How to survive in a world where you can only invite a thousand people to everything.”

Picking groomsmen was a hard task for him, but here's how he narrowed down the field of contenders (without ruffling any cumberbunds) and how you can do it too:

  • Know what you want from your groomsmen. Like anything, it’s helpful to first look inside yourself and understand why you want a flock of well-dressed folks up there with you at all. For my husband (and likely for you), it was a mix of emotional and practical considerations. He wanted people beside him who he loved and who were going to support him through this major life decision, and he also wanted those people to make sure he got everywhere he needed to be on time and to remind him to eat breakfast the morning of the wedding.

  • Consider all the options. My husband has a close group of 12 friends. And one of the many options he considered was asking all 12 of them. But logistically, that many people got messy. His family was bringing over outfits for the groomsmen from India, and wrangling measurements from a dozen people just wound up being NOT what he wanted to do. What he really knew was that he wanted his brother up there, and his best friend since high school. Since I’d already stolen one of his siblings for my own wedding party, he decided to just return the favor and stole both of mine. That way, we had all siblings represented, and we each still had our bestie up there.

  • There’s room for everyone at the party. Just because all 12 of his best friends weren’t groomsmen didn’t mean all 12 of them weren’t important. Ultimately, my husband felt he could have picked anyone from the friend group without causing a lot of hurt feelings because he planned other activities that included all of them. They all had a bachelor party together, they all talked about wedding plans together, and they all came to the wedding and stayed with us until the venue turned the lights back on and kicked us out. Friends for life, guys.

  • Don’t worry too much about the “men” part of “groomsmen.” Or the “maids” part of “bridesmaids,” really. If I hadn’t asked his sister to be a bridesmaid, he would have asked her to be a groomslady. If he had decided to go big or go home and asked his 12 friends to be groomsmen, I would have asked my brothers to be bridesmen. We really wanted our siblings up there. And if you have siblings or friends you know you want standing by your side that day, don’t let gender be the hang-up.

As many rules as it feels like there are around who you do and don’t ask to be in your wedding party, the truth is this:  you get to do what you want. Can’t imagine being up there without your 12 friends? Go for it. Would rather just be up there with your partner and an officiant? Do it. As you decide who to  ask (or not ask, as the case may be), consider how you want to feel on your wedding day. Is the person you’re thinking of having stand up there with you going to help you feel that way? Your answer will probably tell you everything you need to know.

How did you pick a wedding party? Any tips for the engaged folks out there?

Sara Kendall lives in Redwood City with her husband and dog. Her main hobbies are coffee, books, and musicals.